Sure Aint Funny but Oh Thats Corny Commercial

Love songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Nothing practiced tin come of this. Photograph by Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains take been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a eye and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other hand, that time yous told that girl y'all simply started seeing that y'all would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that considering of a love song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move dorsum to Milwaukee to "effigy some stuff out."

"It's just, my mom. Y'all know? And Fifty.A. is so hot in the summer. And yeah, my mom." Photograph via iStock.

That time yous held that boom box over your head outside your ex'due south house? You did that because of a beloved song. And l hours of community service later, you lot're still not back together.

Dear songs are peachy. They brand our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to accept risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life human relationships should work.

They're astonishing. Then amazing. And also terrible.

Hither are six love songs that sound romantic just aren't, and one song that doesn't audio romantic but totally is:

1. "God Simply Knows," by The Beach Boys

You tin can go along your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Assistance me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Embankment Boys, "God Merely Knows" is where it's at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy tune. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the almost heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photograph by Hulton Annal/Getty Images.

Here'southward why it sounds romantic:

I may not always love y'all

But long as in that location are stars above you lot

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure almost it

God just knows what I'd exist without you

If yous're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your honey and not playing "God Simply Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and commencement over.

If y'all're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball net and "God Simply Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got you to this betoken.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing it wrong.

Hippies, likely on their way to a mud frolic. Photograph by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It's a song that just feels like dearest. Pure love. Young love. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could exist wrong with that?

Here'south why it's really really, actually unromantic:

There's nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you lot whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his business firm, smoking a cigarette..." Photograph by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

Just in that location is such a thing every bit loving someone a skosh too much.

If y'all should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

The world could testify zip to me

And then what practiced would living do me?

Wait, I get it. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. But practiced God.

There'due south a huge difference betwixt saying: "Hey baby, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if you lot go." And maxim: "Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, then I'm just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and phone call it a life."

Only that's pretty much the gist hither. Which makes this line...

God only knows what I'd be without you

...horror-movie creepy. Considering the reply, evidently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. Nosotros had a good run. Photo via iStock.

That'southward not love. That's codependency (to put information technology mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It's a course of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in whatsoever relationship — 1 that, by definition, might one day end — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Sure, God may simply know what you'd exist without her, but God probably also hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her name again?" Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Assistants.

One person cannot be anyone's be-all and finish-all. It's too stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a matter that's gotta be done before you tin can do annihilation else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

two. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, information technology's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song yous've ever heard. But, we don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and every bit tribute acts go, y'all could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That face! Photo past Brothers Le/Flickr.

Hither'due south why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Dear, you're my golden star

You lot know you lot tin can brand my wish come true

If y'all let me treasure you

If you lot let me treasure yous

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-class make-out political party and you'll likely become an instant toll laissez passer on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-however-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a end sign, and they will retrieve you're weird — merely probably nonetheless brand out with yous.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to brand out with America because of this song.

This is what happens when you lot write "Treasure" and you lot're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'thousand OK with that.

Simply, here's why "Treasure" isn't equally romantic equally it seems:

Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes near gender.

"Children, have I always told you lot what I shouted at your mother on the street the first fourth dimension we met?" Photograph by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things outset to go south right from the very beginning:

Give me your, give me your, give me your attending, baby

I gotta tell you lot a little something almost yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a homo lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she "doesn't know near herself."

What could information technology be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book about early modernistic German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thanks for education me all nearly Martin Luther'southward bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Warning: It's none of those.

Yous're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

Merely you walk around here like you wanna exist someone else

Oh. It's that she'south sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Word of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she'due south sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't bear on her day-to-day so much that you, a consummate stranger, demand to shout information technology at her (even over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does desire to be someone else? I'd love to be someone else! I think beingness Ryan Gosling would exist quite overnice. A expert way to spend a iii-day weekend.

Sure, in that location'd exist an adjustment period... Photo past Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.

And and so later, of course, the narrator can't help himself:

Pretty daughter, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling

A girl like y'all should never look and then blue.

He respects her so much, he'southward actually directly-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I guess everybody's got a matter.

Yes, in the world of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a homo complimenting a strange adult female and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He and so proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the earth's creepiest pirate:

Yous are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, yous, you, you, y'all are

You lot are my treasure, y'all are my treasure

Y'all are my treasure, aye, you, yous, you lot, you are

By this point, in his heed, she's a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she's non just whatsoever thing.

GIF from "The 2 Towers."

That's ... something, right?

3. "Don't Recollect Twice, It's All Correct," by Bob Dylan

For as long as humans take been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Recollect Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, audio-visual flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is adept at writing songs that a lot of people similar. Photo past William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:

Well, information technology ain't no use to sit and wonder why, infant

Even you don't know by now

And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Information technology'll never practise somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Wait out your window, and I'll be gone

Yous're the reason I'm a-traveling on

But don't think twice, it's all right.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

"Don't Think Twice" is a raw song. An honest vocal. A powerful song. It's the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months later her boyfriend left for higher. The vocal that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller job, load her iv Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chinkle store in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad e'er wants to play when he invited your high school ring over to his flat to jam.

"What timbre are you lot looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Certain, it's about the cease of a human relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the end of the solar day, shouldn't that be enough?

Hither's why it's actually sooooo messed up:

Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while in that location is no correct way to telephone call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties tin certainly benefit from a hard, honest discussion about what went wrong.

It's not me, Joan. It'southward you lot. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It's your fault."

Permit's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, only she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, correct? Yous're all like, "Baby, I just have so much unspecified love to requite," and she'due south like, "Take out the trash!" And you're like, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be enough?" And she'south like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole firm, fed the domestic dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you to do is take out the trash." And y'all're like, "You're bumming me out. I'thou gonna go play guitar." And and so she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to modify you? UGH!

You lot could take done better, but I don't mind

Aye. You exercise mind! You mind! You lot wrote a song near it, you lot passive-ambitious prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your fourth dimension is then precious! Think about all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could accept been futzing around with that domicile-brew kit.

Yes, this was worth it. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The infinitesimal you starting time breaking it downwardly, the message of "Don't Think Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister's ex-swain, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt'south wind chime store, which would accept closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend'southward cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child support.

"Y'all kids desire a beer? No one'southward under thirteen, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the song's narrator also bespeak-blank refers woman he's leaving as:

A child, I'm told

That's right. In add-on to being a run-of-the-mill passive-ambitious wiggle — turns out, he's also maybe a pedophile.

Even if we are to take that this is a metaphor and she's non actually a child — which there's no indication information technology is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects mode more than poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a fell, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

iv. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," past John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bloodshot folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Commons.

Hither'south why information technology sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Airplane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness considering jet planes were withal kind of new at the fourth dimension it was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet aeroplane

To a modern ear, this would exist sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that's somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable past 9-twelvemonth-olds at summer camp. Non easy to practise!

Oh babe, I hate to go

Yous see — he hates to go! He just hates it! We know this, because he tells us he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn't dearest his partner just that much?

See ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Here's why it's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can just distract so much from the fact that the song's main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — information technology doesn't really seem like he hates being away all that much:

In that location's so many times I've let you down

So many times I've played around

I tell y'all now, they don't mean a matter

"Infant, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while yous were dwelling house nursing the quadruplets. All the times I tuckered our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sexual practice I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic fourth dimension. Merely rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty as this bed I only finished having sexual practice with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when you interruption it downwards, "Leaving on a Jet Airplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "practiced" despite all evidence to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be cleaved up nigh having to part from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited virtually the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet plane, are yous? Are yous Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter nigh the "terrible" Cibo limited salad you were forced to choke down as you sabbatum waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life and so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photograph by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of you lot

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for yous

Ah absurd. He'll think about her while strumming and making "my honey is delicate equally the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front end row. That pretty much makes up for it all.

And so he demands:

So kiss me and grinning for me

Tell me that you'll await for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, afterwards basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To await for him?

And here's the kicker:

When I come dorsum, I'll bring your hymeneals ring

Ah yep. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photograph via iStock.

Different all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family bank account, and just been a full general screwup and disappointment.

But yeah. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding band.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks dorsum.

five. "When a Human Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you look up "soul" in the dictionary, the volume plays you a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you the very first line.

Here's why information technology sound very romantic:

When a human being loves a adult female

Sure, you can write the lyrics down, but information technology doesn't fifty-fifty come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, succulent pain-belting:

WHEN A Human being LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... merely all the same no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It's an elemental lyric.

It'southward a heart-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands you lot put your dorsum into it.

Information technology's perfection.

As long as you don't keep listening.

Here'due south why the vocal is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Woman," we know that, at least on occasion, a homo loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said human being loves said woman?

He'd give up all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that'south the way

Information technology ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Dorsum upwardly. A homo, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no thing how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a human being will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Plow his dorsum on his all-time friend if he put her downwardly.

No! Jeez. No. A man tin can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A man needs friends! One time a man's whole support system erodes out from under him, a man will be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a man's mental wellness will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I take

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless honey

Baby, please don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a man loves a adult female." Information technology'southward what happens when a man loves a decision-making, manipulative woman. An calumniating woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.

"It's Chris or me." Photograph by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not salubrious.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for you.

(Side note: Lest it get unsaid, at that place is way more than than ane way for a human being to love a adult female. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Maybe they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they dress up in big, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a human loves a man, I imagine it feels much the aforementioned. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, in that location'due south no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There's more than one way to skin a cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

Information technology doesn't matter if it's the correct metaphor, every bit long equally it'south a metaphor. Photograph by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Indicate being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And delight, seek help! You can do this! And if you lot ever find yourself in a similar situation, delight give these people a phone call.

six. "All I Wanna Do is Make Beloved to You," Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/Earth's Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bark my optics out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the end of a pier.

This song is perfect. Y'all should e'er exist listening to it. If you're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It's merely that important.

I am singing the telephone book. You are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Eatables.

And then much passion. So much pain. Then much pilus.

Hither'southward why information technology sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Center sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson evangelize a primal tribute to the 1 true romantic fantasy shared past every living existence on World: picking up an unnervingly attractive man for one night of mind-bravado sex and and so releasing him back into the wild to bone — just never quite as compellingly ever again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing by the route, no umbrella, no glaze

So I pulled upwards aslope and I offered him a ride

He accustomed with a smile so we drove for a while

I don't have to become on because you know what happens adjacent, and it's awesome.

"I just sit in this motel. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photograph past Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, hither's why this song is non romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems too good to be true. And information technology is. Because information technology'south non an equally loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.

Information technology's a...

It's a...

Well. Yous know what it is:

Skillful at recognizing no-win situations and succulent with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn't ask him his proper name, this lonely boy in the pelting

Fate, tell me it'due south right, is this honey at offset sight?

Sure, many of united states of america might hesitate to choice up a foreign leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached spiral, simply our narrator but has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, y'all gotta go with your gut.

I tin respect that.

We made magic that nighttime

He did everything right

Great! Seems like it was a skilful decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

But then, without alert, the song starts to audio less like an all-fourth dimension great romance and more like a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the blossom, y'all are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't endeavour to find me, please don't you dare

Just alive in my retentivity, you lot'll always be at that place"

I'm not a poet. Symbolic linguistic communication oftentimes eludes me. But unless "blossom," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly mean wildly dissimilar things in the context of man reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, not-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

HELLO! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Eatables.

Of class, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to call back, "Mayhap Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

So information technology happened one day

We came round the same style

You can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own optics

There are two possibilities here.

Ane: The narrator of the vocal is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York Urban center subway ad from nine years ago:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally bamboozled a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, delight understand

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'm in love with another human

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no fashion the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked non one merely two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one little thing that yous can"

A Human LIFE! A Existent SENTIENT Man LIFE THAT IS Non INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best you tin can say virtually that is that it's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket human being probably should have been responsible for his own birth command. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

But ... information technology's not beautiful. It's not romantic (fifty-fifty the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the end of the mean solar day, the shadiest graphic symbol in this song is somehow not the pelting-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which... is saying something.

Just there is a love vocal that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable runway in a sea of problematic faves.

A vocal that does everything right.

A vocal that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to final.

A song that can double as a transmission for the platonic human being romantic relationship.

And that song is...

"Candy Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here'south why y'all might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (L) and that guy. Yous know, that guy? That guy! Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy as "Candy Shop" is, equally fun information technology is to trip the light fantastic to, and as cathartic as it tin can be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity business firm at ii a.m., there's no getting around the fact that the song begins similar this:

I'll take y'all to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

I'll post that again, in instance you missed some of the dash:

I'll take yous to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

Way to take 1 for the squad, narrator of "Processed Store"!

At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody's idea of a archetype love song.

The lyrics are ... unusually frontwards. The beat out is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Similar watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

Information technology's not a song you'd put on a mixtape for your vanquish. It'south not a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at dwelling with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear upwardly the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'south certainly not a song you'd include on the video photo montage you fabricated for your grandparents' argent anniversary.

It's merely not.

But it should be.

So here it is. Here's why "Candy Shop" past fifty Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect human relationship vocal:

You wanna back that thing upwardly or should I push upwardly on information technology? Photo past ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission sideslip. It'due south simply been twenty seconds, and yous're already getting ready to hang it upwards with "Candy Store."

But then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the course of a female voice joining the track, cutting through the din like a blaring telephone call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the candy shop (yep)

Boy, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all you got (come on)

Proceed going 'til you lot hit the spot, whoa

It's common! It'due south mutual! They're performing oral sex on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz due west/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may non be the globe'southward greatest partner — for instance, according to one of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets information technology:

Y'all could accept it your way, how do y'all want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he'southward with — a la the dude in "God Simply Knows ("I'grand going to invest my unabridged sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'yard going to treat you like a chest full of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," ("I'm going to trick yous into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Store" guy really asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the earth of pop music, is good for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Dorsum of the rental? The beach? The park?

It'southward whatever you're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I own't finished instruction you 'tour how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Processed Shop" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.

But hither'southward the key thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She's clearly into it. And we know this because she says so.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are vivid crimson, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what nosotros exercise ...

And where nosotros do ...

The things we exercise ...

Are just between me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, information technology will exist intimate. It will exist private. There will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is primal to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the case of "Candy Shop") minutes long.

She may accept a high sex drive, only dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids just might go the distance after all.

And at the cease of the day, what is a relationship only two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thanks, Obamacare! Photo past Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's like it'due south a race who could become undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a smashing time. And, critically, an equally great time.

I bear upon the correct spot at the right time

Of grade, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hitting without a spot of random braggadocio, but if nosotros're to take him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as good at "doing everything right" equally the bearding hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Dearest to Yous" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Processed Store" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He'south a good partner.

"Candy Shop" is raunchy. Information technology'due south dingy. It's not your grandmother'due south beloved vocal.

Only when you strip away the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Center Eastern Music 1993," by the stop of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the stop of the day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all well-nigh?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Photo past Francois Durand/Getty Images.

And then seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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